My faith was absolutely shattered yesterday.

And it's not mine faith, specifically. Ever since I can remember, I've known and considered the presence of deities from all pantheons to be one of the pillars of my existence. And that's why I say I'm in the worst phase of my life.

Two days ago, this pillar of mine collapsed. I don't feel any spiritual planes connected to me, even though the Tarot says that my mediumship is open - so much so that I can no longer interpret the cards, be they the Gypsy Deck, Lenormand, the Orixás, Tarot, or the Witch's Runes, the I-Ching, even the pendulum. I usually ask Hecate, Apollo and Fortuna for their blessings in divination, but when I ask all three, I can't interpret any cards. I only succeeded when I asked only the Tarot, without involving any deity. Which is unusual for me.

I always thought that my interpretation of the oracles was linked to my deep and varied studies of them, reading various books from various currents and assimilating them thanks to my giftedness. However, I discovered yesterday that my studies don't allow me to interpret the cards - I think my studies are a needle: they pierce all the cards; and my spirituality, the thread of that needle, in other words, what gives meaning and sense to the readings. And I only realised this because I have no spirituality at the moment and, just now, I can no longer put together the meanings of card A and card B to complete a reading.

I'm worried. I know that Hecate (if she exists, of course) sees that I have a blockage, and I know that she won't punish me for any heretical behaviour at the moment, just like the other Gods - if I know that someone has closed my road to the spirit world, they know too, even much more than I do.

I've sent a message to the master, because I'm desperate... But there are still five days until the appointed date. 5 days that I'm going to pray just out of conscience, and write letters to my boys for the same reason.

My disbelief at the moment is so great that I think this reincarnation thing is rubbish and that I can get in touch with "my husband" and "my son" from my past life and that there really is a son linked to me for more than 350 years, because we would be Celts.

I don't understand anything any more. I'm very confused. I've asked the Goddess for guidance, but is it possible to receive such guidance as I'm currently an atheist?

May you be blessed (again, out of conscience)