My mum said that if Hecate appeared to me demanding that I blog, perhaps I should write more often. But then I think about what to write about.

The only thing I have to write about today is therapy, and how sad it made me. I agree with K. - that things will only get underway by whatever force of fate is responsible for that part of my life in the second half of the year. However, I still have the same question I asked her today, the answer to which didn't satisfy my self-inquiry. How the fuck am I supposed to distract myself and keep my anxiety out of my passive and active thoughts until then? How do I stay sane and motivated until August?

I had motivation and willpower in November, December, January, February... March has already diminished too much, and now... now I don't feel the presence of any fuel that my vital fire/fire in the arse, to be clear, can consume in order to illuminate my vision of things and warm my cold heart and spirit.

Worse still, if I'd known how to refill such fuel, I would have done it. But I don't. And I don't know how to find out. I have two more sessions tomorrow, and I didn't want to use those times to talk about the same thing. To feel useless and anxious in the same way. To feel confused and weepy and hopeless and once again completely lost and alone and, at the same time, on the edge of an abyss whose floor I have no pretence of seeing. Because I know I won't see the ground, I'll feel broken, I'll feel like I'm about to fall, and I probably will.

I don't even dare ask for guidance from any deity, because I have no way of asking for guidance on a path that I don't even believe exists.

... May you be blessed all the same.