Category: April

I'm not a daughter of Oxum, but I don't feel like crying rivers very often.

April 19th, 2024

The problem is that getting a cake from someone sucks. Especially from the same person two days in a row. Not that I think S. is to blame - quite the opposite, I think there's something interfering between us, but...

After my mum verbally slaughtered and tore me apart in the morning, again not letting me sleep, all I wanted to do was call A. It was everything that I wanted to do. I wanted to ask him out for a coffee, I wanted to distract myself and feel supported and with some perspective on the future away from my mum and that I was on my way to trusting people and having confidence in people; being loved and loving people for choice, e choose those I could call family.

Settling things with my master on my own and not owing my mum any satisfaction for my decision took a weight off my back, knowing that perhaps I was once again solidifying my role as the apprentice I was under the guidance of the one chosen to instruct me by the Goddess herself.

But today, all I wanted was to talk to someone who seemed to appreciate me and want me around for who I really am.

Oh dear. Just thinking about his smile and how I feel, or rather felt, close to him in the hours and opportunities we've spent together, made me tear up. And I'm not even on my period...

I think I'll look at my new decks and do a test run with each one.

I miss him so much... Him, T., L... everyone who was and is dearest to me, however short our time together may have been.

...

Blessed be.
The only chance I've ever had to escape my mother's clutches never seems to return

14th April, 2024

My mum tells me not to be afraid of her leaving me with no money, but it doesn't seem that way. Just today she told me to pay for my psychiatrist, blocking me from accessing the bacno's mobile phone as if I were a compulsive consumerist.

She does it just like her father; I don't know how she doesn't see it. Or she must see it and not give a damn.

The clan had once seemed like an opportunity to escape, and it fell apart; as did any job and any way of earning my own money; as did a possible marriage so that my mum would stop saying that I depend on her because she's my only family... Everything is going wrong and I don't know what to do anymore.

I need to get out of this suffocation caused by her boot around my neck, and I don't know what else to do. There's nothing to do in terms of prayer or spirituality. Everything is wrong. Everything is going wrong. Everything, everything, everything, everything.......................................................................................................................................
Artemis has gone up to heaven, she's already come down, Apollo has taken her place and I haven't slept yet

14th April, 2024

Bloody hell. Tonight is particularly difficult. Not that restless legs having an episode are the only impediment: somehow I'm also suffering from heartburn, insomnia, nausea, migraines, hyperactivity... all at the same time.

After I made the final decision not to lift a finger to ask oracles about A., I don't know if this has made me more nervous or calmer; the hormonal lack of control caused by menstruation also doesn't help me understand the confusion in my head about my feelings regarding the path my life should be following but which seems to be deviating more and more sharply with each passing day.

I really hope that tomorrow's "Goddess support group" run of the Oracle of the Goddesses will help, because I'm definitely in need of support. I need to know how to be patient until August and endure all this anxiety. I need to get back to yoga, to eating regularly and healthily... today I'm going to try to reorganise my reminders and tasks apps and see if from Monday I can follow my routine as planned. Yoga was helping to contain my anxiety, maybe it will help again?

We'll see in the morning, I guess...

Blessed be.
I don't feel the need to write every day, no matter how much I've been "prescribed" to do so

April 3rd, 2024

My mum said that if Hecate appeared to me demanding that I blog, perhaps I should write more often. But then I think about what to write about.

The only thing I have to write about today is therapy, and how sad it made me. I agree with K. - that things will only get underway by whatever force of fate is responsible for that part of my life in the second half of the year. However, I still have the same question I asked her today, the answer to which didn't satisfy my self-inquiry. How the fuck am I supposed to distract myself and keep my anxiety out of my passive and active thoughts until then? How do I stay sane and motivated until August?

I had motivation and willpower in November, December, January, February... March has already diminished too much, and now... now I don't feel the presence of any fuel that my vital fire/fire in the arse, to be clear, can consume in order to illuminate my vision of things and warm my cold heart and spirit.

Worse still, if I'd known how to refill such fuel, I would have done it. But I don't. And I don't know how to find out. I have two more sessions tomorrow, and I didn't want to use those times to talk about the same thing. To feel useless and anxious in the same way. To feel confused and weepy and hopeless and once again completely lost and alone and, at the same time, on the edge of an abyss whose floor I have no pretence of seeing. Because I know I won't see the ground, I'll feel broken, I'll feel like I'm about to fall, and I probably will.

I don't even dare ask for guidance from any deity, because I have no way of asking for guidance on a path that I don't even believe exists.

... May you be blessed all the same.
If Hecate has spoken, she has spoken

April 1st, 2024

I wasn't going to write anything. But my mum said that Hecate told her to tell me that I had to write about "today" sitting where I am.

I'd promised the Goddess that I wouldn't write again until after Lent, effectively quarantining myself, and I think she's come to collect. More than right.

Today was... interesting. I was going to go out with S. to study Tarot, but we happened to bump into R. and, outspoken as she is, she immediately took over the day and stopped my Tarot lesson that I was going to give S.

But that led me to draw cards for another protégé of the Lady of the Night, and discover that my master is also of the Lady. I never knew that, and I'm honoured to hear it. She's pretty cool, really, it makes sense to have a Goddess on your shoulder like I do. And still the same. I'm amazed that Hecate even chose me.

Today, T.'s chosen one came out of his quarantine. After not posting anything on Instagram since 8 March, I had been worried until L., T., K., and the Gypsy Ticia (who I have no idea who she is), apart from the Persian Goddess whose identity I have yet to discover, told me that I would know he was physically well on 1 April. Said and done.

He posted a singing reel today, and I missed him so much it broke my heart. I've decided not to work as a prayer therapist this month - I'm going to focus on my studies, not on my practice. Because when I draw for others, I feel like drawing for myself and I see my cards for others being confirmed while all the cards I draw for myself are not.

I apologised to him for burdening him, even though he asked me to tell him everything... But he didn't reply, and if I were him, I wouldn't either. I deleted the Instagram app, considering that I only downloaded it to know that he was alive and well. Its function has been fulfilled.

The Maha Lilah told me to focus on myself, to trust in divine providence and the I-Ching told me to trust in T. And I do, and that's why it hurts. Because I trust so much that I don't want to fail him again. I don't want to fail L. by not being able to bring him to life as I did in my last life.

Perhaps dedicating myself to my studies is the answer for now.

Blessed be.

Written by: Lone Witch

Solitaire Witchcraft - The lonely path under Hekate's torches

Category: April

I'm not a daughter of Oxum, but I don't feel like crying rivers very often.

The only chance I've ever had to escape my mother's clutches never seems to return

Artemis has gone up to heaven, she's already come down, Apollo has taken her place and I haven't slept yet

I don't feel the need to write every day, no matter how much I've been "prescribed" to do so

If Hecate has spoken, she has spoken

Written by: Lone Witch

Your basket (items: 0)