Category: February

Behold, Hephaestus merged with Sisyphus(deu) and here I am

February 19th, 2024

I didn't even have time to finish the entry about my mum boycotting me before she did it again.

I really don't understand why she wants to screw me over and finish me off. It must make her feel very good about herself, it doesn't make sense to me that she has any motivation other than sadism. In the end, she chose my father, the guy she calls a monster but from whom she copies methods to bring me down and torture me psychologically.

But she won't make it.

I'd sent a message to say that, coincidentally or not, the guy my cards say is T.'s chosen one was (and is, until now, 6.38pm) sitting at the table literally opposite mine. I don't know why I told you. I don't know why I keep doing this.

K. warned me, my teacher warned me, and I myself know that I can't share such experiences, especially if they involve spirituality, with my mum. Why did I mention that he's in front of me?

What I've done is put my own arse on the line, since she called me and shouted at me so much that I got dizzy, and I know that I have the saddest, most dejected expression after the call ended. I'm trying to get the sadness out of my eyes because I can feel it; but I also feel that I'm not succeeding.

I know that before I was confident and now I'm defeated. What a bollocks.

At the moment, my mum is to Hera as I am to Hephaestus. Add to that Sisyphus who keeps trying to roll the stone to the top of the hill, I'm like a rare evolution of some pokémon, a fuck-up that Mum is throwing out of what should be her home at the same time as I'm uselessly rolling the stone for eternity to get to what was supposed to be my home, but isn't.

I don't have a home. I need a flat for myself, something like that, because the last thing I wanted for myself was to identify 100% with the lyrics of Listen again. Ass.

Blessed be.
The master isn't too happy about the apprentice outdoing him

February 19th, 2024

It's very sad that I can't share my spiritual evolutions with my mum. She has always been my role model as a spiritual person, an oracle maker, an esotericist in general. And I, like a huge idiot, continued to develop my spirituality.

K. and my teacher had already warned me that my mum would try to demean me on a material, sentimental and spiritual level.

But how do I hold my damn tongue that can't shut up? Sometimes I wish my Cancer would overpower my Gemini and the exact opposite happens.

My shoulders warmed with energy as I meditated and Isis allowed me to channel Your presence. And I thought it would be nice to tell my mum about it, because I don't know how to shut up. Isis told me that my mum isn't going to change, and that when I need a mother, I should turn to the Great Mother - she didn't say if it was to pray to her or if any face of the Goddess works for that. Isis also told me to light a silver candle under the moon when my faith wavers.

I'm dying to continue writing my meditation, but I'm sure I opened portals while I was writing, because I got hot all over. Then I stopped.

I think I should write here too. I was

May I be protected in the name of Earth, Air, Fire, Water and the Goddess who rules all that exists. May it be so and it shall be so.

Blessed be.
I don't believe in deities, but they do exist

February 17th, 2024

My faith was absolutely shattered yesterday.

And it's not mine faith, specifically. Ever since I can remember, I've known and considered the presence of deities from all pantheons to be one of the pillars of my existence. And that's why I say I'm in the worst phase of my life.

Two days ago, this pillar of mine collapsed. I don't feel any spiritual planes connected to me, even though the Tarot says that my mediumship is open - so much so that I can no longer interpret the cards, be they the Gypsy Deck, Lenormand, the Orixás, Tarot, or the Witch's Runes, the I-Ching, even the pendulum. I usually ask Hecate, Apollo and Fortuna for their blessings in divination, but when I ask all three, I can't interpret any cards. I only succeeded when I asked only the Tarot, without involving any deity. Which is unusual for me.

I always thought that my interpretation of the oracles was linked to my deep and varied studies of them, reading various books from various currents and assimilating them thanks to my giftedness. However, I discovered yesterday that my studies don't allow me to interpret the cards - I think my studies are a needle: they pierce all the cards; and my spirituality, the thread of that needle, in other words, what gives meaning and sense to the readings. And I only realised this because I have no spirituality at the moment and, just now, I can no longer put together the meanings of card A and card B to complete a reading.

I'm worried. I know that Hecate (if she exists, of course) sees that I have a blockage, and I know that she won't punish me for any heretical behaviour at the moment, just like the other Gods - if I know that someone has closed my road to the spirit world, they know too, even much more than I do.

I've sent a message to the master, because I'm desperate... But there are still five days until the appointed date. 5 days that I'm going to pray just out of conscience, and write letters to my boys for the same reason.

My disbelief at the moment is so great that I think this reincarnation thing is rubbish and that I can get in touch with "my husband" and "my son" from my past life and that there really is a son linked to me for more than 350 years, because we would be Celts.

I don't understand anything any more. I'm very confused. I've asked the Goddess for guidance, but is it possible to receive such guidance as I'm currently an atheist?

May you be blessed (again, out of conscience)
Nem Shakespeare conseguiria decidir esse “ser ou não ser”

February 9th, 2024

Ontem… foi algo.

Fui na mestre como ela mesma tinha marcado. Na penha, sozinha, mas foi tudo bem durante o trajeto.

Cheguei lá às 14h, e o plano era ficar até 22hs, mas eu tomei a decisão de levantar e ir embora por mim mesma quando as coisas começaram a ir ladeira abaixo.

Não que qualquer dia eu vá contar isso à minha mãe, considerando que qualquer coisa que saia do roteiro que ela quer para a minha vida em qualquer aspecto ela arranca, não importando o quanto vá doer já que já tem raízes em mim.

(Incrível, minha mãe foi no café no qual eu estava escrevendo e veio só para brigar. Interrompeu meu estudo e estragou meu dia, como ela de fato gosta de fazer. Nem consegui meditar… Justo hoje que eu queria perguntar à Deusa sobre ontem…)

Enfim… Eu sei que carrego um peso gigantesco por causa da hereditariedade do meu pai – ser descendente de família de coronel do Nordeste inclui o sangue preto africano e indígena brasileiro que corre em minhas veias através de estupros e agressões. E sei disso. E sei que tenho o dever (e também a vontade) de seguir minha ancestralidade. De garantir que o sofrimento daquelas que deram suas vidas e passaram por muitas dores e injustiças… de garantir que nada tenha sido em vão.

A única outra pessoa que eu já vi beber daquele jeito que a mestre bebeu é o meu pai e o pai dele. O dia foi passando, e ela foi ficando estranha. Comentários sexuais sobre mim, querendo ficar me apertando, pegando, essas coisas.

Não ouviu mais mantra nenhum, passou direto pro sertanejo. Levantei e fui embora.

Agora… ela tinha prometido que não aconteceria de novo já que isso aconteceu exatamente assim quando nos conhecemos. E me pergunto se devo confiar nela para continuar o aprendizado. Já quebrou minha confiança e voltou atrás em sua palavra uma vez. Eu queria ter conseguido perguntar para a Deusa o que devo fazer, se devo confiar na mestre novamente…

Meu filho chama ela de madrinha quando fala comigo e com ela… Mas não consigo confiar os cuidados do meu bem mais precioso a uma pessoa desse jeito, esteja eu viva ou não.

Tomara que amanhã eu consiga.

Solitaire Witchcraft - The lonely path under Hekate's torches

Category: February

Behold, Hephaestus merged with Sisyphus(deu) and here I am

The master isn't too happy about the apprentice outdoing him

I don't believe in deities, but they do exist

Nem Shakespeare conseguiria decidir esse “ser ou não ser”

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